Posts Tagged ‘friend’

Having a Caring, Compassionate, Understanding Friend

Friday, June 25th, 2010

When our lives are difficult, as they often are when we have a chronic illness, having a caring, compassionate, understanding friend can be tremendously helpful. A friend can give us hugs, and when we need it, a shoulder to cry on. A friend like that can be the difference between getting through difficult times or just giving up.

Everyone I have talked to about this has told me they know how much of a difference having a friend during difficult times in our lives makes, because they have experienced that difference for themselves. I’m sure you have too.

But not everyone has a friend like that. And even if we are lucky enough to have such a friend, it’s very likely that there will be times when we need caring and understanding, but our friend isn’t available to give it to us. Fortunately, if we don’t have a friend like that, or we do but he or she isn’t available, there is something we can do – something that very few people know about: we can be that kind of a friend for ourselves.

The reason we can do that is because as human beings, we are innately caring and compassionate. Without even thinking about it, we care about injured pets and other animals. And we have compassion for our children, friends, and partners when they are facing or going through difficult challenges. All we need to do to be the caring, compassionate, understanding friend that we need is to direct those innate qualities to ourselves.

We can do that in many ways. For example, we can by give ourselves hugs, and we can tell the person in the mirror how much we care about him or her. Doing that may feel strange and awkward at first, but over time it feels less and less so. And I know from watching my clients, as well as from my own life, that the difference being a caring, compassionate, understanding friend to ourselves makes is immense. So I strongly encourage you to be that kind of a friend to yourself.

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Group Coaching

Do You Hate the Effect Your Illness Has On Your Relationships with Your Children and Your Partner? Do You Hate Not Having a Life?

My coaching/support group can help you have better relationships with your children and your partner, and it can help you find new ways to manage your illness symptoms and challenges so that you, with small steps or big ones, start to create a fulfilling life despite having a chronic illness.
The next group will take place by phone on Thursdays at 5:00 PM PDT / 8:00 PM EDT starting on July 8th, and will continue weekly though August 12th (six sessions).
These groups offer the support that people with chronic illnesses often need, at a fraction of the cost of individual coaching or therapy. As a member of my list, you have the first access to this group.
To find out more about the content, the cost, or to sign up, go to Coaching/Support Group information.

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How to always get the understanding and compassion you need

Monday, September 28th, 2009

Today I’m going to share one of the strategies I give my clients with Crohn’s disease and other chronic illnesses to help them have much better lives. I also use this strategy myself – a lot.

Those of us with a chronic illness often find ourselves needing understanding and compassion. Sometimes we can get them from spouses, friends, and others. But there are times when those people aren’t able to give them to us. What can we do then? Before I answer that question I’m going to tell you a true story about what not to do:

A few years ago I was a volunteer host for an online Crohn’s and colitis support chat room. One day a man came into the chat room who was clearly very upset. Frank (as I’ll call him) had missed several days from work due to a flare-up of his Crohn’s disease. When he returned to work, his boss, who knew of his condition, didn’t express any concern or compassion for Frank at all. Instead, he chastised Frank for missing all those days of work.

That was hard on Frank, and he spent a lot of time in the chat room telling the rest of us how hurt and angry he was because of his boss’s uncaring behavior. He then came up with the idea of leaving his colonoscopy pictures on his boss’s desk – both as an act of retaliation and to have him see the error of his ways. I tried to tell Frank that that wasn’t a good idea, but he wasn’t listening all that well.

Clearly what Frank needed most was understanding and compassion. However, from the way he described the situation, the chance that he could get any from his boss ranged from slim to none. Instead of trying to get it from his boss, and feeling hurt and angry when he didn’t, what Frank needed to do was give himself the understanding and compassion he needed. And the same is true for us when we find ourselves with the same needs, and with spouses, partners, friends, colleagues, or bosses who for whatever the reason aren’t able to meet them.

It is ultimately is up to each of us to meet those needs for ourselves. This may seem difficult or even unnatural to do, but it doesn’t have to. Thinking about how we would treat someone we loved and cared about who wasn’t feeling well, such as a close friend, a spouse, or a child, and then treating ourselves the same way can go a long way to meeting our need for understanding and compassion.

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