Are you doing the best you can with what you’ve got?

January 31st, 2012

Having a chronic illness sucks. I wish you didn’t have one (or more than one, if that’s the case) and I wish I didn’t have one. If I could wave a wand and cure people’s chronic illnesses, I would do it – now.

However, that said, I have learned, both from coaching people with dozens of different illnesses for the last nine years and from having one myself, what affects how well we feel that I want to share with you. What I’ve learned is that how well we feel when we have a chronic illness doesn’t just depend on how bad our symptoms are on a particular day. There is another factor that has a big effect on how well we feel  - sometimes more of an effect than anything else. That factor is our sense of how well we are doing meeting our life and illness challenges.

I want to be really clear here: I’m not saying that we need to do an excellent job meeting our life and illness challenges to feel good about ourselves and life. We don’t. Common sense tells us that how well we do meeting those challenges will depend on how much fatigue we have, how much pain we’re in, and many other things.

But the closer you come to doing the best you can meeting your challenges, and the closer I come to doing the best I can meeting mine, the better we’ll feel.

I first learned about this concept in a two-year masters in management program I went through in the mid 90’s when I was working for a high technology company in Silicon Valley. One of the program’s best instructors told us that one of the two things employees need to know to feel good about working for a company is that it—and everyone in it—is doing the best they can with what they’ve got*. From coaching people with chronic illnesses and from living with one myself, I’ve learned that the same concept that applies to employees in a company also applies to us.

Are you doing the best you can with what you’ve got? If not, what can you do so you are?

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Tom Robinson, who has Crohn’s disease himself, helps people with chronic illnesses feel a whole lot better, and then he helps them find inspiring dreams – and achieve them!

*For those who are interested, the other thing Dr. Schmidt told us that employees need to feel good about working for a company is that “We’re all in this together.” In other words, both sacrifices and rewards are shared by everyone.

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Do you need to take a time-out?

December 31st, 2011

More than many others, those of us with chronic illnesses often get frustrated, discouraged, or upset because of how our illnesses affect our families and our relationships with others, because of all the things we want to do but no longer can, because we often face an uncertain future, and because of numerous other reasons as well.

One thing you can do that has worked well for many people with chronic illnesses—including me—is to give yourself a time-out.

Now as I’m sure you know, time-outs are often used by parents and teachers to discipline children that are misbehaving, and to give them some time to think about their behavior. So I want to make it very clear that I’m not suggesting that you discipline yourself.

Rather, what I am suggesting is that if you get upset, discouraged, or frustrated for any illness-related reasons, that instead of staying that way that you caringly, lovingly, and compassionately give yourself a time-out.

During your time-out, you can listen to music you enjoy, read a book, take in the beauty of flowers or a sunset, or just relax.

At the end of your time-out (and you get to decide how long to make it), the situation that prompted your feelings may still exist, but chances are that your negative feelings about it will be much less than they were.

Best wishes using this and the suggestions in my other posts to have a Happy New Year and your best life possible!

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Tom Robinson, who has Crohn’s disease himself, helps people with chronic illnesses mend their broken spirits and then he helps them find inspiring dreams – and achieve them!

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Coaching People Who Have the Deck Stacked Against Them

November 30th, 2011

Coaching those with chronic illnesses has been very rewarding. I’ve gotten to work with people who haven’t been able to find the help they need, and the suggestions and ideas I give them continue to make a positive difference in their lives long after their last coaching session with me.

But while it’s very rewarding, the coaching I do is often difficult. The hardest thing about it is facing the reality that health-wise, some of my clients don’t get better, and some of them continue to get worse as time goes on.

So far, a client I’ll call Jason seems to be in that latter group. He has amyloidosis, which is the formation and buildup of an abnormal protein. While the sites of the buildup vary depending on the individual and the type of amyloidosis he or she has, the buildup causes cell toxicity and organ damage that can result in its failure.

The type of amyloidosis Jason has is called familial. He inherited it from his mother, who died from it when she was 47. Jason is 34, and he is understandably afraid that he will die at a relatively young age. And at times he is consumed by feelings of helplessness, especially when starts or attempts to work on a long-term project. He often thinks, “What’s the use?” and abandons the project.

I gave Jason some suggestions to help him manage his feelings of hopelessness and fear. Then, because my blog readers (that’s you!) also have many of years of experience living with a chronic illness, I told Jason I would write a blog post about him. I said I would ask you for your suggestions about what he can do to stay with his projects and have a satisfying and fulfilling life, in spite of having a life threatening illness.

Thank you for your suggestions and comments!

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Tom Robinson, who has Crohn’s disease himself, helps people with chronic illnesses mend their broken spirits and then he helps them find inspiring dreams – and achieve them!

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What Is Your Self-Care Account Balance?

October 6th, 2011

I’m sure you know that when you have a checking or savings account, you need to put money into it before you can take any out. And if the total amount of the checks you’ve written and the withdrawals you’ve made is equal to the amount of money that was in the account, then you can’t spend any more money from it until you’ve made another deposit to it. And, of course, there are unpleasant consequences for spending more money than is in the account.

Besides knowing about checking and savings accounts, you very likely know that when you have a chronic illness, doing things for others – such as your partner or spouse, your children, and other important people in your life, is like writing a check on what I’ll call your energy and emotional wellness account. And just like with the other accounts, when the total of the “checks you write” exceeds the deposits you’ve made, your account becomes overdrawn and you suffer the consequences.

As I said, you are probably already aware of the idea that you can become “overdrawn” when you do things for others without “making deposits” by taking care of yourself. But knowing about it is one thing, and acting on it is another.

So as a life coach for people with chronic illnesses, I’m going to encourage you to take action:  Create your own currency and give it a name. (As an aside: several years ago in my family we created an internal monetary system and called the basic unit a “doogle.”) Then assign values to the things you do for others and the things you do for yourself. For example, on the minus side, taking your child to soccer practice could be a five unit task and fixing dinner for your spouse could be ten units, while on the plus side, spending time relaxing could be worth seven units and getting a massage could be worth fifteen units. You don’t need to assign values to everything you do, but it’s important to assign them to your most frequent and most draining tasks.

The next step is to keep track of your balance and take care of yourself so it stays positive. When you do, not only will you start feeling better, but when you tell your children that you can’t take then to their friends’ parties and other places they want to go because your account balance is too low, they will probably start becoming much more aware and supportive of your self-care endeavors.

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Tom Robinson, who has Crohn’s disease himself, helps people struggling with chronic illnesses feel a lot better and enjoy life a lot more.

Get his free report:

Has Your Chronic Illness Got You Down? Learn What to Do to Feel a Lot Better and Enjoy Life a Lot More

P.S. It’s Not What You Think

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Do You Have a Hard Time Forgiving People? Here’s Why, and What You Can Do Instead

August 17th, 2011

You have undoubtedly heard or read how good forgiving those that have hurt us is for our emotional and physical well-being. And it’s true: many studies have shown that forgiveness has a very positive effect on our health. However, forgiving others is sometimes very difficult, but the people who preach about and advocate forgiveness often don’t acknowledge that.

If you’re one of the many people who have had a hard time forgiving everyone who has hurt you, I have some good news: You can get the same benefits forgiveness provides without having to forgive all those people.

To explain why forgiving can be so hard and how to heal emotional wounds when it is, I’m going to use the analogy of an automobile accident. Imagine that a driver is proceeding through an intersection. Then another drive runs the red light and crashes into her car, and the first driver suffers some deep cuts, a broken arm, and some internal injuries. In that scenario, it would be absurd for the emergency medical technicians, the emergency room doctors and nurses, or anyone else to tell her to forgive the other driver. And, of course, none of them would do that. They would all do everything they could to take care of her and give her the treatment  she needed so that she could recover as rapidly as possible.

And hopefully the injured driver would be doing all she could to work with her medical team so that she healed quickly. Obviously it would be silly of her to give anything less than a 100% effort to her healing process because of any anger she felt toward the other driver.

Once our injured driver had completely healed, her car was satisfactorily repaired, and her life was back to the way it was before the accident, chances are that she wouldn’t dwell on angry thoughts about the other driver. She would probably see that it would be in her best interest to do whatever she could to minimize the chance of her ever being in a similar accident, and then focus on living and enjoying her life.

Getting back to the title of this post, if you are angry at someone, then you have been in the equivalent of a car accident with them. And what’s called for is to get the treatment you need to heal your wounds from that accident.

Many treatments to do that are available. I’ve written about some of them in previous posts and you can learn about many others by doing a search on “healing emotional wounds” in Google.

My best wishes as you heal your wounds. And once they’re healed, chances are very good that your anger at “the other driver” will be gone.

Tom Robinson, who has Crohn’s disease himself, helps people struggling with chronic illnesses feel a lot better and enjoy life a lot more.

Get his free report:

Has Your Chronic Illness Got You Down? Learn What to Do to Feel a Lot Better and Enjoy Life a Lot More

P.S. It’s Not What You Think

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Do You Get Upset at Yourself for Procrastinating?

August 17th, 2011

I sent this tip to my list recently and received many thoughtful comments in response. So decided to post it for my blog readers, Facebook friends, and Twitter followers to see and comment on.

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Many people, myself included, sometimes procrastinate instead of doing the things we need to. That can cause problems for us – especially if, because of our chronic illness, we aren’t able to do as much as other people are (which is often the case). So when we find ourselves putting off doing what needs to be done and doing something else instead, we often get frustrated, upset, annoyed, and very discouraged with ourselves.

It’s completely understandable that we would feel that way. However, it doesn’t make our lives any better. But we can make them better by compassionately asking the part of ourselves that’s procrastinating why it is.

Maybe it’s doing so because we’re telling it what to do in a critical and denigrating way; maybe it’s doing so because we’re not giving it and our body the rest they need; or maybe it’s doing so because we haven’t given it the appreciation it deserves for all that it’s done for us in spite of our health challenges.

Regardless of the reason that part of us has been dragging its feet and not doing what we need it to, once we know why we can give it whatever it needs so it gives us what we need.

Best wishes using this and my other tips to have your best life possible.

I am a Crohn’s disease survivor. I  help people struggling with chronic illnesses feel a lot better and enjoy life a lot more.

I have a free report I think you will find very helpful:

Has Your Chronic Illness Got You Down? Learn What to Do to Feel a Lot Better and Enjoy Life a Lot More

P.S. It’s Not What You Think

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A New Golden Rule

July 31st, 2011

My New Golden Rule will help you have a better life when you have a chronic illness. But before I tell you what it is, I want to say that if you aren’t following my frequent suggestion of giving compassion to any parts of your body that are hurting, I strongly encourage you to do that, because it works! Here are just two of many examples I know about:

1) A colleague of mine has a neighbor of who had been in a lot of pain for several weeks after her recent knee surgery. My colleague told her about my suggestion, and she began using it and experienced a remarkable and complete healing.

2) Over three recent days, my knee became more and more painful and swollen. I will never know for sure why, but the gradual onset of the pain matches what happens when the meniscus is torn. So I think I probably tore it on one of my occasional runs. It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep, and bending and straightening it was excruciating (which made walking very difficult and climbing stairs all but impossible). I went to the doctor, who prescribed a month’s worth of Advil and said I might need surgery.

I got home from the doctor’s office, took the first pill, and my knee started to heal. It continued to heal until, three days later, it had recovered completely (and I didn’t need any more pills after that first one). As I said, I don’t know what happened to my knee. But I have no doubt that all the love and compassion I gave it since the pain and swelling began were what enabled it to heal so quickly.

As I wrote at the beginning of this post, I strongly encourage you to give any parts of your body that are hurting lots and lots of compassion. And I hope you will share your results in a comment.

Now here is My New Golden Rule. It’s a modification of the Golden Rule, which as you probably know is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule comes from the New Testament of the Bible, but all major religions have similar maxims because the principle they are based on is so basic and important.

The New Golden Rule, which if you follow it will help you have a better life when you have a chronic illness, is this: “Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.”

The reason for the modification is this: We know we’re supposed to treat others well (and I’m sure you do your best to do that), and we always want others to treat us well, but many of us often forget to treat ourselves well.

So remember to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. I know you will have a better and better life the more you do.

For other ideas for living well when you have a chronic illness, sign up for my free report:

Has Your Chronic Illness Got You Down? Learn Effective New Ways to Feel a Lot Better and Enjoy Life a Lot More.

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Are You a Refugee in a Foreign Land?

June 18th, 2011

In this post, I’m going to share  a testimonial with you that I recently received. In it, my client, who is a gifted  writer who lives in Tasmania, describes far better than I could how she was able to reframe her struggle with her illness in a way that gave her a capability to manage it and live a better life.

It is my strong desire that reading her story will help you do the same for yourself.

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From the closely pressing despair of never having the strength or energy to do what I want or to complete the endless list of things that need to be done, came this quiet and understanding voice, across the Pacific Ocean, to the small cool island where I live.   I spoke my despair into his quiet, listening ear.  I spoke of the work I do with humanitarian refugees – of how hard it was for them to be exiled from home by war and atrocity and how they struggled to make a new home in a foreign country – learning a new language, accommodating a new culture, learning strange ways; and how compelled I felt to assist them, despite my health issues.

He commented that my attempts to support these traumatized new arrivals demonstrated compassion and understanding and he suggested I think of myself in the same way – as a person exiled from my home place of vibrant health, having arrived bewildered and disoriented into the foreign land of chronic ill health and in need of compassionate understanding and help.  That I consider my own needs and support myself as I learned the strange ways of this new country I now occupied.

Such a simple, quietly expressed suggestion.  So lucid.  So liberating.  No suggestion of weakness or giving in, just an acceptance that things are different now.  Just a gentle reminder to look around and see where I am, what can be done, and to support and praise my own efforts at adjustment, my own small gains.

Thank you Tom for this wise and compassionate advice.  I felt heard, honored, assisted, supported in a difficult migration I was struggling to make.

I strongly recommend coaching sessions with Tom Robinson for all those struggling with adjustment to chronic illness, in finding or regaining the joy and meaning in their lives.

Thank you once again,

Best Wishes,

Terry

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As I said, I hope you will do what Terry did and look at how you can give yourself compassionate understanding and help in the land of “chronic ill health.” And I also hope that you will praise your efforts and all of your gains, no matter how small.

Warmly,

Tom Robinson – Life Coach for People with Chronic Illnesses (and Crohn’s disease survivor)

I help people struggling with chronic illnesses overcome depression, anxiety, and hopelessness so they an feel a lot better and enjoy life a lot more.

For other ideas for living well when you have a chronic illness, sign up for my free report: Has Your Chronic Illness Got You Down? Discover Effective New Ways to Overcome Illness-Related Anxiety, Depression, and Hopelessness so You Can Feel a Lot Better and Enjoy Life a Lot More.

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Are You Trying to Get Your Own Attention and Love?

May 16th, 2011

Are you trying to get your own attention and love? I spent longer than I like to admit trying to get mine.

What happened was that I found myself spending far more time than I should have playing computer games when I had several very important things to do and deadlines that were fast approaching to meet. I kept trying to do the writing and other important paperwork that needed to be done, but no matter how hard I tried I would soon take a break to play “just one game,” which would turn into another and another and another. As you maybe can imagine, I was very upset and depressed over my behavior and my inability to do the things that were most important to me.

After throwing up my hands in near total despair, I decided to take a much deeper look at why I was procrastinating so much. And I decided to consciously intend to keep looking deeper while I slept that night. What I realized when I woke up the next morning was that there was a part of me that didn’t trust the part that was “giving the orders.”  That part didn’t feel like he was loved, and so he refused to do what he was told.

So, just like I let people in my life that I care about know that I love them, I let him know that I loved him more than words can describe. And once he knew that, he stopped his acting out.

What about you? Are there things you are doing that are counter-productive, including behaviors that are making your illness symptoms worse rather than better, that may actually be a part of yourself asking you for love and attention? I encourage you to look deeply within for the answer, and then give yourself the attention and love you need – and deserve!

Tom Robinson – Life Coach for People with Chronic Illnesses

www.chronicillnesscoach.com   805-964-8682

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Don’t Forget to Have a Better Life

April 28th, 2011

Reminders are great for helping us remember to take better care of ourselves, and they can also help us remember how capable of dealing with life’s challenges we really are.

One recent client, whom I’ll call Mark, was very successful in many ways. But he was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety at work because of deadline pressure and the performance expectations he thought people had of him. And this was in spite of the fact that he was a very good engineer.

In the other areas of his life, he was very centered and grounded – so much so that he knew what being that way felt like. His description of being centered and grounded reminded me of a sailboat’s keel, which keeps the boat from tipping over in spite of high winds or big waves. I wanted him to be able to access those qualities at work, so I suggested that he get a sailboat calendar for his office. He did, and right away started using it, whenever he became stressed, to remind himself that he had a “keel” and could stay centered in spite of the pressure he felt. And the next time we talked he told me that having a nearby reminder that he could stay centered and grounded took a big load off his shoulders and helped him feel much less stress and anxiety at work.

Besides reminding us of our strengths, reminders, as I said before, can also help us remember to take better care of ourselves. When I need an extra reminder to be gentle and compassionate with myself, I put my watch on my right wrist instead of on my left one like I normally do. Then every time I check the time, I am reminded to give myself the care I need.

What reminders can you use to help you have a much better life?

For more ways to have a better life when you have a chronic illness, get my free report:  Do You Hate Having a Chronic Illness?  You Can Live Well Anyway – Here’s How!

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