I’m So Sorry

Posted on August 14, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

In this post I want to tell you three of the most important words I’ve learned in my life. Those words are: I’m so sorry.

You may be wondering or guessing why I think those words are so important. The answer  is that I have learned how to live very well in spite of having a serious chronic illness (Crohn’s disease) and learning about those words – and how to use them – has been a major reason why. They helped me when my symptoms were severe, and I’m convinced that they’ve helped me keep my illness in remission. Also, like many others with a chronic illness, I’ve suffered from depression, and those words have been miraculous in helping me heal from it. And when I’ve taught my clients and others with chronic illnesses those words, and then told them how to use them, they’ve helped them greatly too.

So how did those words do that, and how can they help you? After all, they are very ordinary words and you’ve probably said them many times. So had I. But they didn’t help me with my illness until I discovered who to say them to, and how to say them.

What I discovered, after struggling for many years, was that the person I needed to say them to was me. While I had family and friends who cared about me deeply, that wasn’t enough. I saw that there was a part of me that needed to know that I cared about him, that I was really sorry he was in so much physical and emotional pain, and that I wanted the best for him.

The other part of my discovery process was really seeing, for the first time, the tremendous amount of physical and emotional pain I was in. I had become pretty good at minimizing and even denying it, and a part of me wanted to keep doing that. But the pain became so great and had such a big negative impact on my life that I knew that continuing to deny it was no longer an option.

So I told the person in the mirror how sorry I was that he had so much pain and I hugged myself several times a day. And over time, the emotional pain lifted and my Crohn’s disease went into remission.

Let me say here that my discovery about those three words was not a magic cure for my illness. I did extensive research into standard and alternative medicine from the day I was diagnosed. I found the treatments that worked best for me and benefited greatly from them. But I truly believe that my discovery of how to use those three words is what has made it possible for me to keep my illness in remission without drugs.

So what about you? Are you trying to minimize or deny your physical or emotional pain? Is there a part of you that is yearning to hear the words I’m so sorry from you? If there is, I hope you’ll say them with lots of kindness, compassion, and understanding, and give yourself lots and lots of hugs. And after you’ve done those things for a couple of weeks, I would love for you to come back here and to leave a comment about how well they worked.

Best wishes,

Tom

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Do you resist exercising?

Posted on August 11, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

Many people with chronic illnesses resist exercising. I say that because many of my clients have struggled with that problem, and I don’t think they’re at all unusual in that regard. Heck, I’ve read that many healthy people also avoid exercising.

The suggestion I give to my clients and use myself is this: DON’T commit to exercising!

Instead, commit to getting ready to exercise. Put on your walking shoes if you walk, or your running shoes and running shorts if you run, or your workout clothes if you go to the gym. Once you’ve done that, you have honored your commitment – and you get to decide whether or not to actually exercise.

If you’re like  my clients, you’ll find that it’s easy to follow through on getting ready. You’ll also find that even if you decide not to the first couple of times, before long you’ll decide that since you’ve gone to the trouble of getting ready to excercise, you might as well go ahead and do it.

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Chronic Illness and Depression

Posted on August 7, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

I had an initial coaching session recently with a man who said he was a little depressed and wanted to be happier. Bruce, as I’ll call him, was 38 years old and he has had ulcerative colitis, a chronic and often severe inflammation of the colon, since he was 15. Given that he had been sick for 23 years, it wasn’t surprising to me that he was depressed.

However, Bruce had a better life than most of the people I work with. He had a supportive wife and two young children whom he loved, and he had a well paying job that he enjoyed a lot that he was able to do well in spite of his illness. I guessed that there were other factors besides his illness that were contributing to his depression, so I asked Bruce a few questions about different areas of his life, including his childhood. Without hesitation, but in a detached way, Bruce told me that his father was killed in an accident before he was born.

As he told me his story, I got a strong sense that a lot of Bruce’s depression came from his early childhood. It would sure be understandable if it did. Most families look forward to the birth of a baby, but Bruce’s mother was overwhelmed and grieving from the loss of her husband. Life must have been very hard for both of them.

I would have liked to help Bruce heal the depression he had because of his illness and his childhood, and possibly other factors as well. I think it’s very likely that his ulcerative colitis symptoms would have improved a lot with coaching. But Bruce decided not to hire me at this time. I hope that sooner rather than later he gets the help he needs so that he can have the happiness he wants.

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What To Do When It Hurts To Play With and Even Hold Your Children – Part 2

Posted on August 4, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

In my last post I shared with you the suggestions I had given to a woman with two young children who, because of her illness often feels shock waves of pain throughout her body when her children touch her ( here’s the link to that post). Donna recently replied to my email and told me more about her situation.

She said that her daughter (she has a boy and a girl) has a serious, painful medical condition and may need major surgery. On top of that, Donna recently injured her back at work and she and her family are facing the possibility that her husband’s job may be eliminated. But she made it clear that what was upsetting her the most was the fact that physical contact with her children, contact that she wanted to have and knew they needed, caused her tremendous pain.

After reading Donna’s email, I had a couple of additional suggestions that I shared with her. I told her that it was clear to me that she was a very caring and compassionate mother who would do anything she could for her daughter. Then I said that given that she was very compassionate, I wanted her to look in the mirror and have lots and lots of compassion for the person she saw, since that person is someone’s daughter and she needs and deserves much compassion.

I also told Donna that for what she did for her children everyday in spite of her own illness and pain, she deserved a Medal of Valor. I said that maybe her husband would get her one if she showed him my email, but if not, she should get one for herself. Then once she got it, she should hang it on the wall so that she doesn’t forget what a heroine she really is.

If she follows my suggestion, and I hope she does, I’m going to ask her to send me a picture of her medal so I can add it to this post.

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What To Do When It Hurts To Play With and Even Hold Your Children

Posted on July 31, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

A woman in an online chronic illness support group I belong to recently wrote about her difficult situation with her two small children, who are one and three. Donna, as I’ll call her, said she has a hard time letting them jump and even sit on her, because the moment they touch her she feels shock waves of pain throughout her body. She also said she doesn’t want her illness to affect them and that she doesn’t let them see any pain on her face because she doesn’t want them to think she doesn’t love them.

My heart goes out to Donna. I know I would have had a really hard time adjusting to not being able to play with my son when he was a baby and a toddler.

I wrote to Donna and shared a few thoughts with her. I said that I thought that in spite of her not wanting her illness to affect her children, it already had and would continue to do so. Then I said that the important question was not whether her illness affected them, but whether it was in positive or negative way.

The potential negative affect of our illnesses on our children can be minimized if we let them know that we’re going to have good days and bad days, but that we love them no matter what kind of a day we’re having – and then find some way, even if it’s just a kiss on their foreheads, to show it.

I also told Donna that when children can be told and understand that not they, but an illness, is the cause of her pain, then I think that overall it’s a good thing to not hide it from them. I don’t think that’s a black or white decision when they’re really young, but as they get older, seeing a mother (or father) take care of both herself (or himself) and them teaches children that they can take care of themselves as well as others, and that it’s important to do so.

It’s important to keep letting our children know we love them, but if our illness keeps us from showing that love the way we want to, we can always find other ways.

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Being Grateful for Our Body Parts and Organs That Work Just Fine

Posted on July 28, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

I’m sure you’ve been told to be grateful for what you have. It’s a good thing to do: A study by Dr. Robert Emmons at the University of California at Davis showed that gratitude improves both physical and emotional health. But what are we supposed to be grateful for when we have a chronic illness?

Here’s a suggestion: No matter how sick we are, all of us have organs and body parts that work exactly the way they’re supposed to. And for most of us, there are a lot more parts that work just fine than there are parts that don’t. In spite of that, we usually focus and dwell on the parts that aren’t working.

As you know if you’ve read my other posts, I’m a strong believer in having compassion for yourself. So in this case what I recommend is that yyou give the parts of you that are not working well, and very possibly in pain, lots of compassion and love. Not only do they deserve it, but giving it to them is very healing.

Then be grateful for all the parts of you that do work, think about all the other people, pets, and things in your life that you’re also grateful for, and have the best day you possibly can.

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Who Do You Support and Encourage?

Posted on July 24, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

Earlier this year I coached a young man who had chronic fatigue syndrome and some other health challenges that made his life very difficult. But he wasn’t a complainer and he did his best to get through each day.

As I got to know him, I learned that he was single and that he got tremendous satisfaction from working with at risk youths. He gave those kids lots and lots of love and support, including encouragement when they needed it and hugs when they needed them. Greg, as I’ll call him, was clearly a very caring young man.

I told Greg that I knew someone who could really use the love and support that he knew how to give. Out of curiosity and because he gets so much satisfaction helping others, Greg wanted to know who that person was. So I started describing him. I told Greg that the man I was talking about was a very giving person and very supportive of others and that he was in his late 20’s, and I provided some other information about him as well.

When I told Greg the person I was referring to had some serious health challenges, he realized I was talking about him. In an aha! moment, he also realized that he had been giving way more support and care to his at risk youth than he had to himself, that he wasn’t getting nearly as much support and care as he needed and that he could give them to himself as well as to at risk youth. And he started and continues to do that. How about you?

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Are you treating yourself as if you matter?

Posted on July 20, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

During my many years as a life coach for people with chronic illnesses, I’ve met many people who thought that ignoring their illness-related pain was their best option. I don’t agree.

I think you will understand why if you think about a child who tells her mother that her knee hurts. If the mother tells her that she’s too busy to do anything about it, not only is the pain going to continue until the knee recovers on its own–if it does, but the child gets the message loud and clear that she is not important. If her needs continue to be ignored, she will eventually conclude that she must not be important and her needs must not matter.

In a similar way, if you ignore your illness-related pain, you are sending yourself a message that you’re not important. Even if you consciously try to reject that message, your subconscious mind will hear it and let it in. So it’s important that you don’t  ignore your pain.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you should run to a doctor every time your little toe hurts. But  a good parent determines if her child’s knee or toe needs to be seen by a doctor or just given a kiss, and she doesn’t ignore or be dismissive of her child in either situation. Instead she  expresses her love and caring. I encourage you to be that same kind of caring parent to yourself whenever you experience illness-related pain.

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Take Time to Listen…. to Yourself

Posted on July 16, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

When we have a chronic illness, it often seems like the voice inside our head never stops talking about how bad our illness, our symptoms, and our lives are. And the more it talks, the worse we feel.

Many knowledgeable people recommend “quieting our minds,” but that can be a lot easier said than done. I have a different recommendation: listen – and I mean really listen – to the voice.I think that one of the reasons the voice inside our heads keeps talking is because while we hear it, we don’t really listen to it.

There is a style of listening that couples are taught to use when they find themselves arguing a lot. It consists of listening, reflecting, validating, and empathizing. Let me briefly explain the last three steps. Reflecting means restating what the other person said so they know you heard them correctly. Validating means that you first understand why the other person feels the way they do, and you let them know you understand. And empathizing, or course, means to let them know you feel empathy for whatever pain and sadness they feel.

The idea may seem unusual and even weird, but we can use that same style of listening with the voice in our head when it keeps telling us how bad our lives are because of our chronic illness: Listen to the voice, reflect back to the voice what it said, let it know you really understand why it feels the way it does, and let it know you feel empathy for it. For obvious reasons, the last three steps should be done silently if you are in public. 🙂

If you do this when the voice in your head keeps telling you over and over how bad your illness and your life are, I’m confident that the voice will sooner or later – and probably sooner –  stop telling you those things. It may stay quiet for awhile, or it may start talking about something else. But now you know something to do if it does.

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What To Do When You Just Can’t Do It All

Posted on July 1, 2009 by Thomas Robinson

Over the years that I’ve coached people with chronic illnesses, more than one person has told me that they just can’t do everything they’re supposed to. Usually it’s a woman who will tell me that, probably because more women than men are afflicted with several of the more common chronic illnesses, and because in a typical family, women have more responsibilities than men do.

A typical story one of these women will tell me is that because of all she has to do for her medical care, taking care of their children, doing the shopping and errands, cooking for her family, etc., etc., and because of the fatigue and other symptoms she suffers from, she can’t keep up with the housework. Then she’ll say she feels even more stressed than she already was because she feels like she’s not doing everything she “should” and because she finds living in a messy house stressful.

Obviously she could ask other family members for more help, but she will typically say that doesn’t work. There are ways to make asking more likely to be successful, but I’m going to leave that discussion for another post.

I wish that there was a website that sold magic wands that really worked, so that these women (and occasionally men) could quickly and easily clean their houses and do everything else that needed doing, but unfortunately, no such website exists. And I don’t have any magic words of advice that will make their situations all better. But I think that people in stressful situations like the one I’ve described will find the posts titled “Acknowledging That Things Suck Can be a Good Thing” “Bill Clinton said it,” and “A Million Dollars Worth of Ideas to Make Your Life a Lot Better” helpful.

Another way for finding the best solution for a difficult situation or problem is to write about it in the third person. In other words, if Mary has chronic fatigue and her house has become a mess–at least by her standards, she would write “Mary has been feeling very stressed because she’s exhausted and hasn’t had the time or the energy to clean the bathroom in three weeks.” She would continue to describe her situation in the third person, rather than writing “I’ve been feeling very because I’m exhausted and I haven’t had the time or the energy to clean the bathroom in three weeks.”

The reason writing in the third person in this way is helpful is because it depersonalizes our story and allows us to detach from it. Once we do that, we are usually able to see changes we can make and things we can do to improve our situation that we couldn’t see before. We are much more likely to see activities we can easily give up, ways to combine errands or other possible solutions.

I hope you find this idea helpful. There are other steps a person in the situation I’ve described can take to lessen their stress and improve their sense of wellbeing. I’ll write about them in another post.

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