Posts Tagged ‘partner’

Give Your Partner What You Can – and Have Compassion for Yourself

Saturday, February 27th, 2010

I send out biweekly tips for how to have a better life when you have a chronic illness (if you would like to get them, you can sign up for them here). I sent the following tip about three months ago. If you’re curious about why I’m posting my tip to my blog, you can skip to the end to find out – but I encourage you to read it first.

I know, from coaching clients as well as from my own experience, that it’s not uncommon for those of us with chronic illnesses to feel guilty because of how much help we often need from our partners.  We may also feel guilty because we can’t help them nearly as much as we could when we were healthy, and we can’t do all the things with them that we formerly could. If you sometimes feel this kind of guild, here are some tips to help you lessen or eliminate it.

First, please give yourself lots of compassion. Have compassion for the part of yourself that needs help, but isn’t able to do as much for your partner as you want to because of your illness. Also have compassion for that part of yourself that feels guilty. They both deserve all the compassion you can give them, and lots of hugs too. I recommend that you give them at least three compassionate hugs a day.

Second, be sure to let your partner know how grateful you are for all the help he or she gives you. Everyone – including your partner – feels good when they do things that other people appreciate, so expressing your appreciation can more than offset the time and energy your puts into helping you.

And third, look for ways that you can give back your partner. Those ways can be as simple as giving your him or her a little more listening and understanding when they’ve had a hard day at work, renting a movie they’ve wanted to watch, or just rubbing their shoulders.

I hope you found this helpful. And now I see some shoulders nearby that could use some rubbing and a gentle massage.

This post is my entry in February’s Health Activist Blog Carnival. If you’re interested in participating too, you can read all about it here: http://blog.wegohealth.com/2010/02/introducing-health-activist-blog.html.

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Do You Feel Like You’re a Burden to Others?

Thursday, October 29th, 2009

When we have a chronic illness, it’s easy and very common to feel that we’re a burden to our partners and our families. We often need them to do many things for us that partners and family members of healthy people don’t need to do. At the same time, there are often things we can’t do with them that they and we wish we could do. So it’s no surprise that many of us feel like we’re a burden to others.

The good news is that there are several things you can do to counteract that feeling. The first is to frequently let others know how much you appreciate all the things they do for you. We can get caught up in our symptoms and pain and forget to do that, but when we remember, it makes a big difference for them because they know that they’re not being taken for granted. From time to time, you can show your partner or spouse that you are especially grateful for their help by getting a little gift or card and hiding it someplace where it will surprise them, like in a sock or lingerie drawer. You can do similar things for others who help you (although you may need to find a different hiding place :) ).

Another thing you can do to counteract feeling like you’re a burden is to make sure you don’t dwell so much on your illness and symptoms that you ignore the other people in your life. Even though you may not be able to participate in all the activities with them that you and they wish you could, your caring, support and encouragement – including support and encouragement for them to balance taking care of you with taking care of themselves – can make a tremendous difference in their lives.

I wrote in this previous post about finding meaning in your life when you have a chronic illness. Doing that may not lessen the physical needs that you depend on others to meet, but can help you feel less emotionally dependent on them, which can also help counteract the feeling of being a burden.

Here’s one final suggestion: It really is a privilege for us as human beings to be able to serve others. Doing so fulfills us like nothing else can. So even though taking care of you and your needs may not be easy for your partner or spouse, family, and friends, they definitely get value from doing it.

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