Before I tell you why what you know can hurt you, I want to explain why I chose the title that I did for this post. It’s a variation of the proverb “What you don’t know can’t hurt you,” which has been around for over 400 years. Many people have changed the proverb to “What you don’t know can hurt you” as a headline for articles about many dangerous or harmful substances, such as second hand smoke and monosodium glutamate (MSG). I’m using it because I want to talk about things we “know” that prevent us from seeing or seeking out solutions to our problems or improvements in our lives.
I recently coached a woman with fibromyalgia and several other chronic illnesses and conditions. Nancy, as I’ll call her, went through a divorce, lost her home to foreclosure, and now lives with some relatives who are hostile to her. They either criticize or fight with her much of the time. And because the apartment is small, she has to share a small bedroom with one of them..
Nancy “knows” that no improvement is possible in her living situation. She “knows” it because she can’t work and her disability income is much too small for her to be able to afford an apartment or even a room.
Clearly Nancy’s living situation is very difficult. I have lots of compassion for her. However, it’s very possible that there is a solution to her problems that she will never see or find out about because she is convinced that none exist. I would like to see her acknowledge that she think that no improvement in her situation is possible, and then tell herself, “I wonder if there is a solution that I’m not aware of.” I don’t know if she would find one if she did that, but I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that miracles do happen, and they happen much more often to people who look for them and who are open to them.
My next Coaching/Support Group for People with Chronic Illnesses will start this coming Thursday, June 3rd. For more information, go to Coaching/Support Group information.
Tags: coaching, compassion, disablity, fibromyalgia, foreclosure, hostility, miracles, problems, stress, support groups
I understand Kathy’s situation. I’m disabled from a workplace injury. Unfortunately, I have multiple and severe medication intolerances that make it essentially impossible for my doctors to treat me beyond offering me pain medication (which makes me sick–the side effects from the medications are as bad as the pain). I’ve consulted many experts in my underlying medical condition as well as pharmacologists. I received a large settlement of my Workers’ Compensation claim, but even so, it’s pennies on the dollar to what my career as a young and talented engineer was worth. It took me 10 years of fighting and tens of thousands of dollars of expenses to get the case settled–and this is not unheard of. I became disabled at age 30 and I’ve been receiving Social Security Disability payments for well over a decade now. Unlike most people with hidden disabilities who are very young, I didn’t have to go to court to get SSDI–I got it on reconsideration. When my claim was initially rejected, I hired the region’s most knowledgeable Social Security law expert, and he helped me prepare for reconsideration. He was pleasantly surprised that we won–he swore we were going to court. He said that this outcome was extremely rare, because I am so young and that I have rare medical problems that are hidden.
Despite all the evidence that I’m actually disabled, my brother and father don’t believe it. Both of them are extremely self-centered individuals. My brother does have a history of alcohol abuse (and his Facebook page shows him drinking and he’s a visible member of a group that promotes inappropriate behavior) as well as prescription drug abuse when he was in college. My mother never confronted either my father or brother when they treated me badly. My parents were well-aware that my brother was abusing prescription drugs while in college, yet they refused to intervene. (Instead, they claimed I was smoking pot because my mother found a small piece of a fern on the floor of my room–now, go figure!) He’s their Golden Child. I am their Scapegoat. I was born with genetic problems and a minor learning disability (I was a top student, nonetheless) that were far less serious than my mother made them out to be. My mother is a closet racist and a firm believer in eugenics. She sent me to medical quacks. I was verbally and physically abused by my parents as well as physically neglected.
I did have to live at my parents’ place. That was a nightmare. I understand where Kathy is coming from. I got out.
There are various places I would have Kathy look for help. Since she is clearly low income, she’ll probably qualify for food stamps and for Medicaid. She’ll need to go to her town/city/county’s social service agency for that. (WARNING: these can be pretty nasty places with workers cutting attitude. If you’re someone who doesn’t look poor, you can get attitude.)
It sounds like Kathy is the victim of domestic abuse. Once I got out of my situation, I found out that, for people with hidden disabilities, being the victim of domestic abuse is all too commonplace. Even if all the relatives are doing is calling Kathy names and just being rotten, that’s verbal abuse. If Kathy’s town/city or county has a domestic abuse hotline/helpline, I’d advise Kathy to call it. She might qualify for transitional housing. They might have a caseworker who knows how to deal with housing problems.
Kathy will probably need help preparing her SSD/SSI claim. I would advise Kathy to contact her local Independent Living Group or Office for the Disabled. I would also recommend that she get an e-mail account and subscribe to the Yahoo group Disinsissues. This group has a wealth of information on how to strengthen your SSD/SSI case. I believe it was started by a woman who has Fibromyalgia.
Kathy will need subsidized housing. From what is posted here, it sounds like she does have a housing emergency. She should apply for housing at the housing authority that covers the city/town she currently lives in. She could qualify for a medical housing emergency if the stress caused by the abuse is causing her health to deteriorate significantly. She’ll need a doctor’s note for that, as well as supportive evidence, for example, photos of her living environment, showing her sharing a room with an abusive relative and a report from a social worker, etc. She probably qualifies for Section 8, which enables very poor people to rent a subsidized apartment. Depending on her health status, she might be better-off living in a congregate Senior Citizens/Disabled Adult apartment complex, because of the services one automatically becomes eligible for (such as Meals On Wheels).
I hope this helps.