Do You Get Upset at Yourself for Procrastinating?

Posted on August 17, 2011 by Thomas Robinson

I sent this tip to my list recently and received many thoughtful comments in response. So decided to post it for my blog readers, Facebook friends, and Twitter followers to see and comment on.

=================================================

Many people, myself included, sometimes procrastinate instead of doing the things we need to. That can cause problems for us – especially if, because of our chronic illness, we aren’t able to do as much as other people are (which is often the case). So when we find ourselves putting off doing what needs to be done and doing something else instead, we often get frustrated, upset, annoyed, and very discouraged with ourselves.

It’s completely understandable that we would feel that way. However, it doesn’t make our lives any better. But we can make them better by compassionately asking the part of ourselves that’s procrastinating why it is.

Maybe it’s doing so because we’re telling it what to do in a critical and denigrating way; maybe it’s doing so because we’re not giving it and our body the rest they need; or maybe it’s doing so because we haven’t given it the appreciation it deserves for all that it’s done for us in spite of our health challenges.

Regardless of the reason that part of us has been dragging its feet and not doing what we need it to, once we know why we can give it whatever it needs so it gives us what we need.

Best wishes using this and my other tips to have your best life possible.

I am a Crohn’s disease survivor. I  help people struggling with chronic illnesses feel a lot better and enjoy life a lot more.

I have a free report I think you will find very helpful:

Has Your Chronic Illness Got You Down? Learn What to Do to Feel a Lot Better and Enjoy Life a Lot More

P.S. It’s Not What You Think

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

A New Golden Rule

Posted on July 31, 2011 by Thomas Robinson

My New Golden Rule will help you have a better life when you have a chronic illness. But before I tell you what it is, I want to say that if you aren’t following my frequent suggestion of giving compassion to any parts of your body that are hurting, I strongly encourage you to do that, because it works! Here are just two of many examples I know about:

1) A colleague of mine has a neighbor of who had been in a lot of pain for several weeks after her recent knee surgery. My colleague told her about my suggestion, and she began using it and experienced a remarkable and complete healing.

2) Over three recent days, my knee became more and more painful and swollen. I will never know for sure why, but the gradual onset of the pain matches what happens when the meniscus is torn. So I think I probably tore it on one of my occasional runs. It got so bad that I couldn’t sleep, and bending and straightening it was excruciating (which made walking very difficult and climbing stairs all but impossible). I went to the doctor, who prescribed a month’s worth of Advil and said I might need surgery.

I got home from the doctor’s office, took the first pill, and my knee started to heal. It continued to heal until, three days later, it had recovered completely (and I didn’t need any more pills after that first one). As I said, I don’t know what happened to my knee. But I have no doubt that all the love and compassion I gave it since the pain and swelling began were what enabled it to heal so quickly.

As I wrote at the beginning of this post, I strongly encourage you to give any parts of your body that are hurting lots and lots of compassion. And I hope you will share your results in a comment.

Now here is My New Golden Rule. It’s a modification of the Golden Rule, which as you probably know is “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” The Golden Rule comes from the New Testament of the Bible, but all major religions have similar maxims because the principle they are based on is so basic and important.

The New Golden Rule, which if you follow it will help you have a better life when you have a chronic illness, is this: “Do unto yourself as you would have others do unto you.”

The reason for the modification is this: We know we’re supposed to treat others well (and I’m sure you do your best to do that), and we always want others to treat us well, but many of us often forget to treat ourselves well.

So remember to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. I know you will have a better and better life the more you do.

For other ideas for living well when you have a chronic illness, sign up for my free report:

Has Your Chronic Illness Got You Down? Learn Effective New Ways to Feel a Lot Better and Enjoy Life a Lot More.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Are You a Refugee in a Foreign Land?

Posted on June 18, 2011 by Thomas Robinson

In this post, I’m going to share  a testimonial with you that I recently received. In it, my client, who is a gifted  writer who lives in Tasmania, describes far better than I could how she was able to reframe her struggle with her illness in a way that gave her a capability to manage it and live a better life.

It is my strong desire that reading her story will help you do the same for yourself.

========================================================

From the closely pressing despair of never having the strength or energy to do what I want or to complete the endless list of things that need to be done, came this quiet and understanding voice, across the Pacific Ocean, to the small cool island where I live.   I spoke my despair into his quiet, listening ear.  I spoke of the work I do with humanitarian refugees – of how hard it was for them to be exiled from home by war and atrocity and how they struggled to make a new home in a foreign country – learning a new language, accommodating a new culture, learning strange ways; and how compelled I felt to assist them, despite my health issues.

He commented that my attempts to support these traumatized new arrivals demonstrated compassion and understanding and he suggested I think of myself in the same way – as a person exiled from my home place of vibrant health, having arrived bewildered and disoriented into the foreign land of chronic ill health and in need of compassionate understanding and help.  That I consider my own needs and support myself as I learned the strange ways of this new country I now occupied.

Such a simple, quietly expressed suggestion.  So lucid.  So liberating.  No suggestion of weakness or giving in, just an acceptance that things are different now.  Just a gentle reminder to look around and see where I am, what can be done, and to support and praise my own efforts at adjustment, my own small gains.

Thank you Tom for this wise and compassionate advice.  I felt heard, honored, assisted, supported in a difficult migration I was struggling to make.

I strongly recommend coaching sessions with Tom Robinson for all those struggling with adjustment to chronic illness, in finding or regaining the joy and meaning in their lives.

Thank you once again,

Best Wishes,

Terry

========================================================

As I said, I hope you will do what Terry did and look at how you can give yourself compassionate understanding and help in the land of “chronic ill health.” And I also hope that you will praise your efforts and all of your gains, no matter how small.

Warmly,

Tom Robinson – Life Coach for People with Chronic Illnesses (and Crohn’s disease survivor)

I help people struggling with chronic illnesses overcome depression, anxiety, and hopelessness so they an feel a lot better and enjoy life a lot more.

For other ideas for living well when you have a chronic illness, sign up for my free report: Has Your Chronic Illness Got You Down? Discover Effective New Ways to Overcome Illness-Related Anxiety, Depression, and Hopelessness so You Can Feel a Lot Better and Enjoy Life a Lot More.

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You Trying to Get Your Own Attention and Love?

Posted on May 16, 2011 by Thomas Robinson

Are you trying to get your own attention and love? I spent longer than I like to admit trying to get mine.

What happened was that I found myself spending far more time than I should have playing computer games when I had several very important things to do and deadlines that were fast approaching to meet. I kept trying to do the writing and other important paperwork that needed to be done, but no matter how hard I tried I would soon take a break to play “just one game,” which would turn into another and another and another. As you maybe can imagine, I was very upset and depressed over my behavior and my inability to do the things that were most important to me.

After throwing up my hands in near total despair, I decided to take a much deeper look at why I was procrastinating so much. And I decided to consciously intend to keep looking deeper while I slept that night. What I realized when I woke up the next morning was that there was a part of me that didn’t trust the part that was “giving the orders.”  That part didn’t feel like he was loved, and so he refused to do what he was told.

So, just like I let people in my life that I care about know that I love them, I let him know that I loved him more than words can describe. And once he knew that, he stopped his acting out.

What about you? Are there things you are doing that are counter-productive, including behaviors that are making your illness symptoms worse rather than better, that may actually be a part of yourself asking you for love and attention? I encourage you to look deeply within for the answer, and then give yourself the attention and love you need – and deserve!

Tom Robinson – Life Coach for People with Chronic Illnesses

www.chronicillnesscoach.com   408-398-9422

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

Don’t Forget to Have a Better Life

Posted on April 28, 2011 by Thomas Robinson

Reminders are great for helping us remember to take better care of ourselves, and they can also help us remember how capable of dealing with life’s challenges we really are.

One recent client, whom I’ll call Mark, was very successful in many ways. But he was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety at work because of deadline pressure and the performance expectations he thought people had of him. And this was in spite of the fact that he was a very good engineer.

In the other areas of his life, he was very centered and grounded – so much so that he knew what being that way felt like. His description of being centered and grounded reminded me of a sailboat’s keel, which keeps the boat from tipping over in spite of high winds or big waves. I wanted him to be able to access those qualities at work, so I suggested that he get a sailboat calendar for his office. He did, and right away started using it, whenever he became stressed, to remind himself that he had a “keel” and could stay centered in spite of the pressure he felt. And the next time we talked he told me that having a nearby reminder that he could stay centered and grounded took a big load off his shoulders and helped him feel much less stress and anxiety at work.

Besides reminding us of our strengths, reminders, as I said before, can also help us remember to take better care of ourselves. When I need an extra reminder to be gentle and compassionate with myself, I put my watch on my right wrist instead of on my left one like I normally do. Then every time I check the time, I am reminded to give myself the care I need.

What reminders can you use to help you have a much better life?

For more ways to have a better life when you have a chronic illness, get my free report:  Do You Hate Having a Chronic Illness?  You Can Live Well Anyway – Here’s How!

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Are You Earning Your Own Trust (and Why You Should if You’re Not)?

Posted on March 1, 2011 by Thomas Robinson

To live the best life you possibly can, you need to take care of yourself well. And doing that is especially important when you have a serious chronic illness. But you’re human, and there are times when you can’t take care of yourself the way you know you should.

When that happens, it’s important to quickly notice and acknowledge that you’ve fallen short, and to start taking care of yourself well again. Doing that is important for two reasons. The first is the obvious one: when you don’t take care of yourself, i.e., when you don’t get the rest you need, when you eat foods that aren’t good for you, etc., your illness, your symptoms, and the quality of your life will keep getting worse.

The second reason it’s important to start taking good care of yourself again right away is not as obvious, but it is equally important. It’s this: every time you do something that takes care of you, you are earning and keeping your trust in yourself. But every time you do something that doesn’t take care of you, you may lose your trust in yourself.

If you’re wondering why having trust in yourself matters and why it’s important to earn it and keep it, just ask yourself the following questions: If you have a boss that you don’t trust, how dedicated will you be to him or her? How much will you do for a friend who has lost or betrayed your trust? What effect does it have on your relationship if your partner does something to lose your trust?

I have no doubt your answers to those questions would be very different if your boss, your friend, and your partner had, rather than having lost your trust, had kept it. You probably would go the extra mile for your boss, would be there for your friend, and would do anything and everything you could for your partner.

The same principle—that we give much more of ourselves to people who have earned and keep earning our trust than we give to those who lose and betray it—also applies to the way we are with ourselves. When we repeatedly do things that don’t take care of ourselves, we stop trusting ourselves. And as a result, we do even less for ourselves. It gets to be a vicious cycle. On the other hand, when we make the effort to take care of ourselves, we earn our own trust, and are likely to continue.

I invite you to ask yourself what you can do each day to build your trust in yourself – and keep it.

If you like this post and found it helpful, I invite you to sign up for my free How to Have a Better Life When You Have a Chronic Illness tips here.

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

How to Feel Better Instantly

Posted on January 31, 2011 by Thomas Robinson

Today I want to tell you how to feel better instantly. It’s something I learned from my ex-wife.

Here’s how the lesson came about: When we were married, we had more than our share of heated arguments, and sometimes when we in the middle of one, the phone would ring. My ex would answer it in a completely normal voice. And if it was a friend of hers, she would have a conversation that often included smiles and laughter. There would not be even the slightest indication that up until the moment when she picked up the phone, she was furious or upset.

A friend of mine recently shared with me another example about feeling better, although the change didn’t happen as quickly as it did for my ex-wife.

What happened was that her ex-husband had told her that he was going to have her declared an unfit mother and take her young daughter away from her. As you can imagine, she became very upset, anxious, and afraid. She could have stayed that way, but she consciously made the decision to change. What she did instead of dwell on those feelings was to ask her five-year-old daughter what she wanted to be for Halloween. Her daughter responded that she wanted to be a waterfall. My friend used her ingenuity, creativity, and sewing skills to create a wonderful waterfall costume, and experienced a lot of happiness and aliveness as she did. And her ex-husband’s threat to have her declared an unfit mother went nowhere.

In case you’re wondering what these stories have to do with people with chronic illnesses, the answer is a lot. That’s because dealing with the feelings and emotions that come with having a chronic illness can be as hard as or even harder than dealing with the illness itself. And as the examples I’ve described have shown, there are things we can do so that negative feelings get replaced by positive ones – sometimes in an instant.

So I strongly suggest that when you’re struggling and feeling upset, anxious, or overwhelmed, that you not dwell on those feelings. Instead, have a conversation with a friend or find something to do that you enjoy and find engrossing.

If you would like more ideas for how to live well when you have a chronic illness, I invite you to get my free report: Do You Hate Having a Chronic Illness? You Can Live Well Anyway – Here’s How!

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ask Yourself Why

Posted on January 19, 2011 by Thomas Robinson

Last year, until it closed down, I was a volunteer for an online support group that was for people with chronic illnesses. I supported them in managing and overcoming the depression that often accompanies serious long term illnesses. In order to be able to do that better, I asked the people in the group to take a survey. One of the questions I asked in it was what they would do if they weren’t ill and depressed.

Almost everyone who responded said they would do more, and most of the things they said would do involved other people. Some said they would travel to visit relatives, some said they would go back to work (which for many of them involved helping others), and a high percentage of them said they would socialize more.

Having coached people with chronic illnesses for many years as well as having a chronic illness myself, I can well understand and relate to their answers. I bet you can too. But in a way, those answers were incomplete. They were incomplete because the question was incomplete. And the question was incomplete because when you’re chronically ill and depressed, it’s important to think about not only what you would like to do if you could, but why you would do it.

Asking yourself that question can help you discover what you want and need most. And surprising as it may seem, when we have a chronic illness—and are depressed because we do, we often don’t know what we want and need most. We get so caught up in how bad we feel, and how awful and unfair we think it is that we have an illness, that we lose touch with all of our wants and needs except our desire to be well again. The good thing is that when we do find out what those wants and needs are, we can then take steps to meet them.

For example, if you realize that the reason you want to socialize more is because doing so will help you feel more connected to others, you can brainstorm and list all the ways you can think of to connect with and feel more connected to others. Or if you realize that you want to work because doing so would help you feel good because you were helping and contributing to others, you can brainstorm and list all the ways you can think of to do that. Then you can look at your lists, decide which ways would be the most feasible and effective, and start doing them.

I invite you to share your thoughts about my suggestions, as well as your experiences, both positive and negative, from trying them out. And if you would like more suggestions, I invite you to get my free report: “Do You Hate Having a Chronic Illness? You Can Live Well Anyway – Here’s How!” by clicking on the box that’s under the words “Free Report” on the right side of this page.

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The benefits of stretching

Posted on October 16, 2010 by Thomas Robinson

As you can see from the title, this post is about the benefits of stretching – but not the stretching you do to limber up and prevent your muscles from cramping. The stretching I am referring to is the kind where you do more than you are used to doing or think you can do (but I need to add one more qualification, which is that whatever stretching you do needs to make your life better in some way).

Why is stretching beneficial for those of us with chronic illnesses? It’s beneficial because we often feel depressed and hopeless because of all the things we can no longer do, such as doing things with our children, keeping the house clean, having fund with our friends, etc. And stretching to do more than we normally do or think we can do significantly lessens, and can even eliminate those feelings. Every time we go beyond what we thought our limits were, we feel a sense of accomplishment and hope.

Before I say more, I need to make it clear that I am NOT suggesting that you overextend yourself physically when you know that doing so will exacerbate your symptoms or cause your illness to flare for several days or more. As I said above, the kind of stretches I’m talking about are those that make your life better, not worse. So think of ways you can stretch that will do that. I’ll give you some suggestions a little later in this post.

Stretching, when we don’t overdo it, is very good for us, but most of the time we resist doing it. We resist for lots of reasons, and many of them are from things we learned when we were younger that were either wrong or no longer apply. For example, a baby elephant that is chained to a tree soon learns that struggling to get away is futile (obviously we’re not elephants, but in this case our minds work in the same way that theirs do). When it is an adult, that same elephant can be restrained by a very weak chain. It will not try to break free.

For each of us, from childhood on there have been countless times when we have “learned” that we couldn’t do something, or that doing it was painful. And, as with the elephant, what we “learned” becomes an unconscious limitation. But the process of deliberately trying to stretch makes us question those limitations, and that can enable us to overcome them.

One “chain” that restrains most people is the belief that they need to be in a certain mood to do some things. For example, they don’t think they can reach out and call friends if they don’t feel sociable, or they don’t think they can cook a nice meal for themselves if they are depressed. But the truth is that our actions can be independent of, rather than dependent on, our mood. So don’t let your mood prevent you from stretching!

Hopefully you have thought of some ways that you can stretch. I’ve given you a couple of suggestions: reaching out and calling friends and cooking yourself a nice meal. You can also stretch by taking up a new hobby, planting some flowers in the garden, joining an in person or online club, or countless other ways. So start stretching and you will soon see your depression lessening and your quality of life getting better and better.

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How to Get Others to Better Understand What it’s Like to Live With a Chronic Illness

Posted on July 19, 2010 by Thomas Robinson

My girlfriend and I usually do very well communicating with each other. But recently we went through a period where we were struggling. What happened was that I was sharing about some of my challenges with her, and she thought that she understood what I was saying, but I didn’t feel understood. And communication breaks down if one or both people don’t feel understood, regardless of whether or not they actually are.

After we struggled for awhile, I remembered a communication technique called “reflective listening,” which I had read about many years ago in Dr. Thomas Gordon’s book, Parent Effectiveness Training. In reflective listening, the listener mirrors the speaker’s mood and restates what the speaker said in her (or his) own words. If the restatement doesn’t accurately summarize what the speaker said, he (or she) lets the listener know, and the process is repeated until the speaker is satisfied that the listener understands him (you can learn more about reflective listening here.

I suggested that we try using reflective listening. Mary Ellen was very willing to do that, and when we did, I felt that she truly understood my challenges that I had been telling her about.

With that success in mind, it occurred to me that reflective listening could help many people with chronic illnesses with one of their main frustrations, which is getting their family members and their friends to understand how hard it is for them to live with their illness (I know this is one of their main frustrations because because of my own experience having a chronic illness, and also because a high percentage of clients mention it in the questionnaire I give them before their first coaching session).

Because reflective listening involves mirroring the speaker’s mood as well as summarizing what he or she is saying, I think that using the technique would greatly help others to understand what it’s like for us to live with a chronic illness. So I recently started suggesting to my clients that they learn reflective listening, use it with friends and family both as a way to become better at it and also for the purpose of demonstrating it to them, and then ask those friends and family members if they would be willing to try using reflective listening with them.

I haven’t heard back yet from my clients about how well my suggestion has worked, but I am hopeful that by using it they will get a lot more understanding from others about what it’s like to live with a chronic illness than they previously had. And if you decided to give this idea a try, I hope it works well for you – and I would greatly appreciate hearing about your results in a comment to this post.

Posted in chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment