How to Love Yourself When You Have a Chronic Illness – an Open Letter to Richard M. Cohen

Richard Cohen is an author, a journalist, and a former senior producer for CBS and CNN. He has multiple sclerosis and has been diagnosed with and treated for colon cancer. I’ve been an admirer of his ever since I read his book “Blindsided: Lifting a Life Above Illness” (you can read my review of the book  here.) But when I recently read an article he wrote that appeared in the October, 2008 issue of O – The Oprah Magazine, I felt compelled to write to him.

The theme of that issue was love, and Cohen’s article was titled “We Live In The Real World.” In it he wrote “I never will love myself. The idea of self-love seems mythical, and what I see in the mirror disturbs me.” While he goes on to say that he can still love his life and that “life is made precious by what we give to others,” I wanted to let him know that even though what he sees in the mirror disturbs him, he can give himself compassion, and compassion is a form of love. If what I said to Richard resonates with you, you can heed the suggestion I gave him. Here’s the letter I sent to him:

An Open Letter to Richard M. Cohen

Dear Richard,

I’m writing to you in response to an article you wrote for the October 2008 issue of O – The Oprah Magazine. Your article, titled “We Live In The Real World,” was one of twelve in that issue that explored the essence of love.

In the article you wrote, “I never will love myself. The idea of self-love seems mythical, and what I see in the mirror disturbs me.” For many years–actually, it was for many decades, I think I was at as disturbed as you were by what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t like what I saw and I didn’t like many of the things I knew about the person I saw.

My feelings about what I saw and what I knew about that person underwent a major shift about three years ago. In a big “aha” moment, I realized two things: 1) that the things about me I found disturbing were the result of either illness-related or emotional wounds, and 2) that the wounded person in the mirror was as deserving of the compassion I instinctively feel for those who have been wounded as was anyone else.

Since compassion is a form of love, that realization was the beginning of loving myself in a way I never had before. That love kept growing and growing, and I now have more love for myself than I’ve ever had. I also have much more love for others. On top of that, my emotional wounds have healed more than I imagined was possible, and my illness symptoms (I have Crohn’s disease) have lessened dramatically.

In closing, I’m going to give you the same suggestion I give to many of my clients. I know it’s unsolicited, but I hope you’ll consider following it. It’s this: give yourself the same compassion you would give to a loved one, such as your wife or one of your children, if they were suffering from multiple sclerosis, colon cancer, and the symptoms and wounds that go with them.

Sincerely,

Tom Robinson

PS This email not withstanding, I really liked the article, and I’ve been an admirer of yours ever since I read Blindsided: Lifting a Life Above Illness.